You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
