There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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