it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
