Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
