The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
