I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
