You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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