Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
