I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
