mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Someone signed my nipple.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
