sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Still dying that you shit outside
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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