maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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