You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
