I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
