Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
