Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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