Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
