What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
