Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
