just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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