I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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