So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
