I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
