Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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