Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
