i just sold back the books i vomitted on
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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