dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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