you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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