Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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