There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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