You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
