Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
