Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
