I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
