when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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