let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
