Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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