Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
