Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
