I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
