Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
