I intend to get homeless drunk
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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