I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
