What did we do last night that was yellow?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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