the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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