My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
