note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize