9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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