OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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