I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
