I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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