he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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