nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
