Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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