why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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