I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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