I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
