I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize