My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
