I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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